(Disclaimer: I make no pretensions to objectivity in the following post. I speak only from my personal experience and although I have a few working hypotheses about why certain patterns have recurred, they are only hypothesis, not conclusion. Part of my motivation for writing this post is that I want to write a future post about the difference between INFJ 9s and INTP 9s and how most descriptions of the Enneagram describe how INFJ 9s function and are less applicable to INTP 9s (and conceivably, other types of 9s). I should also say that I have had friends who are INFJ 9s and INTP 9s in about equal proportion and at similar levels of intimacy: we were friends, but not necessarily confidants. As for 5s . . . alas, I must say that the 5 I know best is myself, and my information is on the one hand, based on a much smaller sample size, and on the other hand, far more intimate and detailed!)
Not Type Misidentification, Type Conflagration! Fire, explosions, what is otherwise known as the chemical process of combustion! The following post is my own personal musing on why 5s and 9s might not get along so well, especially when both types are in average or unhealthy levels. This has to do with the fact that while both types are superficially similar, they are moved by alien and often times opposed forces. I should say that this musing comes out of my own experience as a 5 having oftentimes explosive relationships with 9s (in which my 5-self did all the combustion internally and it didn't quite register for a 9 even after being confronted. I used to work so hard to make a 9 mad! And then feel gratified that I managed to get a response at all. More recently, I have made my peace with 9s, but I did spend a great deal of time puzzling through the relationship anti-chemistry before coming to peace with the most peace-loving of the Enneagram numbers.
The main issues are of engagement, intellectual curiosity, contentment, and intensity. 9s, I think, are particularly attractive to me because of their intellectual curiosity. They are curious about everything, oftentimes to no practical end--simply because they happen to find most things at least somewhat interesting. Other types can be intellectually engaged, but they aren't necessarily curious about everything, and while 1s are often very intellectual, they are also intellectual for practical reasons. They want to do something about it, and oftentimes their search for knowledge is grounded in a quest for justice or some other ideal. 4w5 can also be intellectual, but oftentimes their curiosity is limited to the one field in which they are engaged. 7s and 6s can also be intellectually engaged, but I'm not sure that 6s are really open-minded and curious (because they are so caught up in their quest for inner guidance) unless they are terrifically healthy, and the intellectual power of 7s is often invested in a million different places. 9s at least give the initial impression of being as intellectually engaged as 5s, and perhaps for their sheer open-mindedness they are very likely to be open to having an intellectual conversation about anything. This is obviously a hook for a 5, who is most likely used to having thoughts or being directed toward conversations that are almost exclusively intellectually oriented.
9s are also fairly undemanding emotionally, and project acceptance and peaceful relaxation, and affection most of the time which to the 5 is something like finding a batch of chocolate chip cookies waiting on your kitchen table that you didn't expect. 5s spend most of their life being so intensely involved in whatever they are thinking about that relaxation is just foreign. At least one Enneagram book I've read claims that the 5 personality forms out of contact with overbearing and demanding emotional environments, so the facts that 9s are chill and oftentimes want closeness without having impossible emotional demands is also a breath of fresh air to 9s. 5s are like, "I didn't even know people came in this variety. You mean I don't have to work hard all the time and have people still scold me for not being what they want me to be? Imagine that!" I doubt that 5s are all that good at self-acceptance because we have such a hard time just getting to know that our feelings and our bodies exist and are important, let alone getting around to accepting them as good and necessary parts of being human. In those ways, 9s have a lot of qualities that 5s lack and need to see in order for them to become more human and more present.
But then the other shoe drops and the full picture of the 9 starts to fill out and it turns out that the less easily seen side of the 9 is not one easily fathomed by the 5 (who of course works very hard to fathom everything in her path). Part of the accepting, contented nature of the 9 has to do with the fact that they don't want much of anything from other people much of the time (including things they should want) and this is because they aren't engaged enough to have normal give-and-take relationship sorts of expectations unless they are out of the average levels of development and into the healthy levels of development. And disengagement is just not something a 5 can wrap their minds around. 5s are engaged in everything, intensely, all the time! There is never enough knowledge of the world, and that intellectual curiosity and focus is just as often directed toward people as toward things. The disengagement of the 9 is utterly foreign and sometimes utterly anathema to the average 5, and is often the source of upset.
Another point of deeper division is intellectual engagement. 9s can be idealists without solid interest in theory or "scientific method". If the 9 has a strong 1wing or is of the NFJ variety, the 9 can be more interested in ideals or fancy than discovering through hard and sometimes harsh thinking whether something is true, which is oftentimes something the 5 is devoted to. A healthy 5 is most interested in accuracy, a non-attached, discipline vision of the world. Average or unhealthy 5s pursue this and pursue certainty in accuracy--but with unhealthy attachments to both, getting wrapped up in theories more than in reality. But a 5 is going to be interested in either proving her claims or at least advancing her claims or knowledge. She wants to make progress and be able to check something off the list of knowing. Knowing isn't just interesting or abstract--it is a disciplined way of life to which one must be thoroughly converted! (Ahem, sorry, got carried away there.) 9s don't found their identity on the pursuit of knowledge and therefore aren't invested in it in the sometimes mad way 5s are. This can be a source of frustration to both, for obvious reasons.
The final point concerns affection. 9s, I think, are naturally inclined to have some degree of affection toward everyone. They are warm-hearted and open-hearted. 5s are not. If 5s have affection, they have deep affection toward people they have come to love slowly and deeply over time. It requires a concerted effort for them to be open-hearted and they are either private (or secretive) or they are deeply invested in a relationship. I defy you to find a 5 superficially invested in someone he or she claims to have affection or friendship for. 5s do not bother with superficial investments or attachments. On the other side of things, 9s have a terrible time coming to know themselves and know the ways in which they are distinct from other people. Therefore, they have a difficult time being genuinely and deeply engaged in another person or in multiple persons. But they don't have a problem being superficially engaged (most of the time) and oftentimes with people with whom they would claim to have a great deal of affection or even love for. That's enough to drive a 5 absolutely mad . . . and alas, the poor 9 still doesn't know what's going on, partially because they aren't necessarily present and clued in enough to even notice. And remember, 5s at their best and at their worst are extraordinarily attentive and perceptive--so they are cataloging the 9s out-of-touchness and either making up a paranoid tale about it or throwing in the towel because they are deeply opposed to making their needs known--actually asking for something or trying to get someone's attention who's unlikely to be good at giving it seems like madness.
So what's a 9 and a 5 to do? It might be dramatic to say that unhealthy 9s and unhealthy 5s are poison for each other, but perhaps not. Average 9s and 5s inclined toward wisdom might have the grace and sense to be aware of opposite inclinations and take care with one another. I imagine with enough shared interests and having just the right personality chemistry cocktail might enough to overcome certain fricative issues, but both types I think are liable to feel misunderstood, and 5s are rejection prone and thus more likely to believe 9s to be ultimately indifferent to them. Healthy 9s and 5s will have less issues since the 9s is able to be more present and engaged and less engaged in wishful thinking. 5s will be less paranoid and rejection-prone and probably more capable of being warm and accepting toward a 9.
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